Dave and I got married less than six months ago. Within those six months, we each started new jobs. He's now practicing in Workers' Comp instead of Family Law, and I'm a physical therapist at a local hospital instead of at Grady, a Level 1 Trauma Center. We also bought a house...much sooner than we had planned to. We feel incredibly blessed to have had such wonderful opportunities present themselves, but I'm also really proud of us for having the courage to pursue these accomplishments. It hasn't been easy, but we're very grateful and very excited.
That being said, even good things are stressors when they are so significant. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. And I'm not exercising (my favorite way to relieve stress), and I'm eating like crap because, frankly, I just don't have time to make better decisions. All I can think about it this massive to do list that must be completed before 8:30AM on Saturday, and it's making it really difficult to concentrate on what should be my first priority: learning the ropes at my new job. It's made me question - is it worth it?
I've said from the get go that I was a little uncertain about moving to the suburbs. But maybe this isn't just about the suburbs; maybe that's just a metaphor for the big picture. Atlanta is a posh, exciting environment full of beautiful people, and fun events and activities to suit a variety of interests. It's also loud, dangerous, and crowded. Marietta is quieter, more family-friendly, and still has lots of charm...but it's not Atlanta. Atlanta is my 20s and Marietta is my 30s. Though Atlanta still sounds really exciting to me, it's becoming less and less appealing to me whether I like it or not, simply because I'm getting older. In fact, Marietta makes me feel older, and I can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I was so ready to get into this house and start this new job, but part of me feels like I'll be missing something. I left the intensity and insanity of Grady for something safer, but is it going to be interesting enough? The same goes for my new residence. I couldn't get out of our apartment complex fast enough. The neighborhood had really gone downhill and there were some incidents that made sleeping there a little more difficult...you know, like my car getting stolen. On the other hand, this is the only home I've known since I moved here after college. We were in this apartment complex throughout grad school as we struggled through our coursework and studying for the boards and the bar, respectively. It was in this apartment that I screamed out "Length-tension relationship!" in my sleep as I had stress dreams about doctorate-level exercise physiology. This apartment was the only home I felt I had when my parents divorced a few years ago. I can't stand this place, but at the same time, it's familiarity is comforting.
All of this change at once makes me worry that I, myself, will change. I know I like baking and home decor and, for some reason, that means I'm more domesticated than most of my fellow feminists. But why does everyone keep interpreting "I'm moving OTP" to mean "I'm going to spit out a kid within the next year?" Don't get me wrong, becoming a mother someday is a very important dream of mine, but why do people keep suggesting that it has to happen immediately now that we have a suburban home? What part of these expectations belong to me and what part belong to someone else? How do I cross over into this new environment while remaining true to myself and who I want to be at this point in my life?
Then, I realized something today that gave me a little bit of perspective on this matter: The reason city life seems less appealing to me is because I'm outgrowing it. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, I'm just slowing down because time isn't. Part of me still wants to go out in Midtown, but part of me is ready to settle in. I may not be ready to have kids yet, but regardless, it ain't just about me anymore.
My family, looking out from our new front steps.
Maybe I'll be a little more boring than I used to be. But maybe that's just because as you get older, the excitement comes from within. Maybe it comes from the people you're with, not the things you do. Maybe 20 year-old Julia would look at 30 year-old Julia, roll her eyes and say, "You've sold out!" But maybe 30 year-old Julia would look at 20 year-old Julia and say, "I couldn't keep up with you. I have more important things to do now." I guess goals just change throughout your life. We just have to do the best we can to keep up with them.
I'm sure I'll feel nostalgic for what's behind me, and I'm not sure what's next. Until I figure it out, I'll just be as patient as I can with this awkward phase of limbo, and have faith that this horrible adjustment period will be worth it.
Anyone else out there having a quarter life crisis?
12 comments:
Julia - I just turned 30 last week. I opted to celebrate my birthday with a nice dinner with friends (home & in bed by 12) rather than an "Open Bar Booze Cruise". We moved into a new place a little over a month ago, a little larger than our last apartment, and suddenly my parents & in-laws are seeing space for bassinets & high chairs. (Meanwhile, I feel guilty for getting annoyed when there are too many kids at the complex's pool.) I have so many pregnant friends right now that I can't even think of anyone who I could ask to come over and have a glass of wine & commiserate about the quarter life crisis. (I would tell you exactly how many but I stopped counting when I ran out of fingers on 2 hands.) Life has most certainly changed in the last few years. I love it, and yet I am still adjusting to the newer version of my same old self. I think it's just the nature of being our age & having no children yet. (The ones with kids don't have time to think about all this. lol) I'm glad I read your post & am happy that I'm not the only one who's still figuring it out. Here's to a graceful transition. :)
I understand how overwhelming all the change at once can be! We moved from a tiny little college town where we knew everything and lived in a rented duplex to a suburb of Austin (where, admittedly, we grew up close to so we knew most everything and a lot of people already) and bought a house way sooner than we thought we would. AND we both started/are starting new jobs. It's a lot to take in all at once, and it can be super overwhelming!
I feel the same way on becoming a little more boring as I get older, but I don't think it's a bad thing. I find that sometimes I really enjoy nights in more than going out to a smokey bar all night. It's not saying that every night will be spent at home, but I try not to let myself feel bad when younger friends want to go out and I don't.
I wouldn't say I am having a quarter life crisis but I DEFINITELY can relate to your qualms about the suburbs. We live in a fabulous area of our city (Milwaukee) that is right in the heart of it all...but we also feel this pull to want to be home owners instead of renters and move towards the suburbs. I struggle daily because I love love LOVE our neighborhood, and while it is a safe and vibrant area, it's not exactly what I would call family friendly (mostly condos & young professionals). I'm sure we'll figure it out in due time, but just know you're not alone! I think eventually though, we settle where we're supposed to and I think you know you're heading in the right direction. :)
I know exactly how you feel! I'm one of the only girls in my group of friends who has settled down and I know for a fact I can't keep up like I used to when I was 20. I like this relaxed, easy going, boring life. :)
To avoid regressing into a complete dialogue about my own feelings about this stage of life, all I will say is, "I'm right there with ya girl." You are NOT alone with these feelings, if that provides any sort of solace.
This is a really well-written post, Julia. And yup ... right there with you. I mean, my friends are telling me I'm selling out/getting ready to pop out kids because I moved to Brookhaven! BROOKHAVEN! Anyway, can't wait to hear more about your house hunt and your new place. :)
Well said, The Kitchen Prep! Cheers to that :)
Lauren, I agree. As soon as I read the words "smokey bars" in your comment, I think I frowned a little. It just doesn't sound appealing! Maybe boring is good!
Steph, thanks so much! By the way, we're right near Brookhaven...well, for the next 3 days at least! Wish I had taken advantage of that before, but I guess I'll just have to come intown to meet you for drinks one day :)
Though I had zero problems moving out of our crappy apt, I definitely understand the confusion that comes with so many life changes! But things will eventually normal out (aside from people asking when you'll have kids...not sure if that ever goes away!)
Congrats on your new home, btw :)
I commented this morning but somehow it didn't "take". Seems less meaningful now than when I was 2nd to leave a post but still...I speak from personal experience so here goes:
Moving is one of the top stresser in life, with new jobs following only a tad behind. The stress as you process through to adjustment can cause you to question your judgement and to have doubts. Your personal history shows you can trust your gut. You have good guts. I'm certain you will look back upon this period of time that will soon appear brief and give yourself a big pat on the back and huge hugs to each other!Mazel Tov!
DEAR doctor princess,
have just gotten home from atlanta underground market. had a mint chocolate chip cake pop, based on your previous recommendings, and was MUCH pleased. so, thx. :)
seven years ago, my husband and i got married in chicago...and six weeks later, we moved to los angeles. where neither of us had jobs, no car, no place to live. so...yeah.
now everyone on (our) planet is having babies, except for the couples who are splitting up (and us, b/c we don't want to). (i'm 38, p.s., for reference.) we do have a few single friends, who can't understand when we don't want to go out to clubs and rage all night with them. "because i like to drink wine on my couch, and i already know who i'm going to have sex with," i told one single friend the other week, when he was surprised we were staying in (again).
and i get the sadness at leaving something behind, like your apartment, even if it really is time to go, and even if where you're going is great. after we got engaged, i was surprised to realize i was a little weirdly sad...adrian was the very best boyfriend i ever had, and i didn't want that to change, AT ALL. (but? being married is THE BESSSST! :D )
go easy on yourself; be kind to yourself and the mister. all you can do is all you can do. do what you know is right for you, and the universe will celebrate with you. swears.
Julia, this is a great post!
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